word to the wise

If you have chosen to sit in the "no shh" zone and study, I am perfectly Ok with that (not like you need my approval, I am just stating a fact). More power to all the "no shh"-ers. I personally enjoy being able to study and have the freedom to talk, chat, answer the phone, cough, sneeze, and breathe without any sort of disciplinary action enforced upon me. However, might I make a small suggestion to all you "no shh"-ers: you may not want to have very personal/emotional conversations here in the "no shh" zone. It makes a lot of people, me primarily, really uncomfortable. Here are a few direct quotes from today just so you can gauge yourself next time you feel unsure about whether or not this conversation should be taken elsewhere.

"...I'm not crying yet, but you know how emotional I get when I talk about this with you." (it was a man, or should I say boy)

"I just feel like we really need to talk about us, and our relationship but I have so much homework to do." (yes you could actually hear the emphasis)

"I don't know how I feel about you going out with other girls, did you kiss any of them?" followed by a very long pause

"Well if I don't get this done there is no way I am going to get the grade I want. I just don't know what to do." I have an idea! Hows about you get off the phone and start studying. just a thought.

Please, "no shh"-ers consider my plea. The only thing I ask of you is that you check at the door of this blessed zone your loud personal emotions that distract me from getting anything done.

The reach

Well something I have thought about a lot this week was why it is so hard to form a habit but so very easy at times to get rid of one and vice versa. I think it has something to do with good and bad. Because it seems to me that bad habits stick, and good habits are like trying to catch a bowling ball covered in Crisco. I have been recently worried about my spiritual habits and my worldly habits. Not to say that spiritual=good and worldly=bad, but maybe a little bit. My worldly habits are taking over my life. Like in that horrendously lame movie where the earth is invaded by alien tripod fighting machines, my life is the earth in that movie. So where is my dang Tom Cruise?

It’s like when you set your pen down on the table and it starts rolling off the edge. You reach as fast as your reflexes go and desperately grasp the edge of the table just as the pen drops off that mini-cliff...and it’s gone. I am as of right now, reaching. I set the good habits down for one planck unit, a single planck unit. That is the smallest measurable unit of time. I looked it up. But I did this. I set them on the table for that miniscule amount of time. My good habits go a-rollin' off the table and I am left here, with my hand outstretched in slo-mo time, reaching, hoping that I can get to them before they fall and are gone forever; before I have to reach down to the floor and pick them back up again.

In a way, the reach is a blessing, in a way it's a wake-up call, and in a way it is needed.

I have been found reaching. Have you?

Ahhhh...the return.

Coming home always feels happy. It is comfort. It's like I don't have to fake it anymore. Not that I'm not real with my homies at school, I'm real. I just don't show all my real-ness all at once. Of sense that does not make. But for all you lovers of your home field, you know what I mean. There is a definite advantage in this place.

We went to a country of the Mexican sorts last week and that was ma-rockin'! (yes, i am hilarious and full of puns) In Israel there were a lot of moments where I gaped in awe at the world I was surrounded by. There were also a lot of moments where my thoughts were in an endless race and they just couldn't wait to come one after the other reeling around the corners of my various brain lobes. I couldn't think fast enough, they were just going and going. Much of our Mexican excursion was like that.


The first day we didn't really do much. Drove to our humble residence for the next week and got settled in. As I've gotten older and grown in wisdom, sunbathing has become less appealing to me and it has become harder for me to find its draw. Nonetheless it is what it is and we laid in the sun for more than a fair amount of time throughout the week.

Midweek we drove down the coast to a gorgeous beach by the name of Xpu-ha. It was a beautiful day and we snorkeled, ate lunch and lounged around. Even though my thoughts were racing back and forth, to and fro, up and down, and any other direction you could imagine(much like Willy Wonka's Great Glass Elevator), there was a calm. Knowing I could be carefree for just a little while longer. Then the part of me that hungers for the thrill of busy-ness wishes that everything was all higgledy-piggledy around me. Usually I'm pretty good at creating a hectic and chaotic atmosphere. Hmph. I'll just make my mind go crazy and then things will feel busy, but to the ocean, the sand, and the umbrella propped perfectly to shade my sunburned self, I'm as calm as a turtle* in a tank.

Soon I'll be able to understand the language I'm surrounded by. I'll be able to speak it. Knowfully. I might even be friends with people that speak this language. I'll be able to read books and signs and letters in this language. What if I can't? No. I can. I know I can. That is not a chance I fear. The fear lies in thinking I won't be able to deliver what I would like to in that language. I hope I get to come back here, or there(Argentina), rather. I hope I get to be friends with them. I hope they'll be able to understand me. I could go so many other places, travel to so many different countries and be able to get around speaking this language. I wonder where I'll go. I'd love to go to Spain. I bet Ash would go with me. We could go almost anywhere in South and Central America. Then we could go to Romania because I'm sure she would love to go back there. I'd love to see Romania. I'd love to see any foreign country. Ha, part of Argentina won't be so foreign to me in a couple years. Dang it, I'm so prideful. Or am I confident? Let's go with a bit of both. I should really work on that.



A couple days later we took the ferry over to Cozumel and my wonderful father had a brilliant idea: we will rent scooters--scooters--and cruuuuise down the coast of the island. Now, those who know my family members would normally not think this notion was hilarious. But the thought of us all doing it together, at the same time, in a big streaking white line, would make your abdomen muscles so rock hard you'd have to be careful not to break your other body parts on them(as Ash might say).

Scooting makes me feel like I can do whatever I want. Like I'm in charge. 'do whatever I want'. What? What do I want to do then? What is that whatever? I wanna go to Argentina. I wanna tell people how incredibly wonderful God is. I want to tell them that I believe Him, I know Him, and I can't wait to die. Man, I can't wait to die. I know though, I'm still trying to live in the day. But a girl can be excited, can't she? I can wait. But I'll be waiting excitedly.

It was a beautiful experience. To watch the ocean sneak up on the beach and then retreat. Sneaky little ocean. To feel the wind, the salt, the sand, and sunshine soak into my soul all at once was something of a sensitive experience. I felt every part of it and took it for more than I had bargained. I have failed words for the time being and so I leave you with a picture

*This reference was initially to Claire's turtle Max. But...recent events have made him seem not so calm to me anymore. You see I went to visit Steponme one day and we were sitting there and this weird noise was coming from across the couch near Max's tank. So I look over and low and behold there is Max. And what, you may ask, was he doing? Trying to commit suicide. He was standing on his rock trying to climb out of his tank or jump off the rock (with no success, I might add). Silly Max.

Ghosts of Easters past...

I would write something about this wonderful weekend/holiday, but turns out I am way ahead of myself...Happy Easter!


Tucker&Amanda, Jordan&Claire, and I went to the Clark's for a very delicious (yummmmm) Easter dinner! Ahhh, I do love that house, but even more so the lovelies that reside there!

Also this dress is adorable! Picnic Frock GIVEAWAY!

Bahia Blanca, Argentina

That is the place. Thus is the root of all my fears at this time in my life. I feel like I should be exploding at any moment. Or like I'm gonna get hit by a bus. Either would suffice for settling my ever churning stomach. Let me tell you something about knowing the exact geographical location of yourself for the next 18 months, but not a clue of where your mental state will reside or in some instances I'm sure...not reside: it is very detaching. When the only thoughts you have are of you getting eaten by large bugs or crying all the time or being so hot you think you'll die and then so cold you wish you had died when it was hot, or eating large bugs and other foreign(to your taste buds) things. This is frightening. The thing is (and I know they're just being positive and trying to keep me positive) people keep telling me I'll love it and it will be great once I get there and get started and start meeting people and doing the work. I know that, but you have to understand the amount of fear I now have for the unknown. I have no idea what it will be like, at all. Not even a little bit. That is what's causing me to tremble at this time. Just not knowing.