Student Sense

Maybe students have something of a sixth sense.

I had recently sent in my resignation and was feeling pretty sad about it. I love the students part of my job. Anything that has to do with them is what I enjoy. Mostly. Sometimes I hate that they ignore me, or don't turn in assignments, or don't come to cla--okay, that's enough. They are what makes my job worthwhile and enjoyable.

That is why I was feeling sad about leaving. I thought of all the students that I had cared about for so long and all the ones I would miss in the coming years by not being here teaching, and it made me sad.

Now, to their sixth sense. I think they can sense when I'm feeling sad, even from far away. Within a week of handing in my resignation the following went down:

One former student emailed me from across the world and reminded me that I did do something good last year and I had made a small difference in their life.

Another former senior randomly came to visit me after school one day. To say hi and catch up. Awwwww. My heart.

And then I ran into a few of my former seniors at the grocery store (mostly embarrassing) and we hugged and chatted about life recently and the haps.

And then two more seniors came to see me after school one day. At this point I stopped wondering and called Dateline to pitch my student-phenomena theory and the episode they could do on it. They did not return my call.

You see. They must know. They could sense that I didn't want to go and that I felt sad and they came to my rescue! Even though they didn't know they were rescuing me. They reminded me that I had been doing good things the last few years. It wasn't a waste and it was worth all the crap that came with it.

So to those of you who came to my sadness rescue in person and email and spirit, thank you. Thank you for reminding me that it was worth it. You made the last years worth it.

Karate Kick your Face off

And that's pretty much all this post is about.

I have serious RBF. See below:

Also, rat-tail. 

This was a selfie. Obviously I hate the mirror. 

Taking engagement photos. Blurry, but it's still clear what my face is saying.

This was a cheerful day, I promise.

Okay, maybe not. Too many to be a fluke.

Until you see me laugh, this is what you'll most likely get from me. And you probably just think I hate you. And not just you, but everything about you. Clothes, face, voice, personality. Because that's what my face says. And it says it hard.

But what lies underneath that cold, unforgiving exterior is a really funny, fun, laughter-filled, mostly cheerful person. The person that loves to laugh, and laugh loudly, is who I feel like most of the time. Even when I look like I'm about to karate kick someone's face off, I'm usually thinking of something that made me laugh recently, or plotting how to make everyone else laugh. 

Which leads me to believe that if you've never laughed with me, then you don't know me. All you know is that I am quiet (plotting jokes in my head), disinterested (trying to remember what was so funny the other day that made me {almost} pee my pants), and cold (people make me uncomfortable, okay?). 

But as you can see, parenthetically, I'm actually just trying to find a way to make you laugh and not sweat so much because I'm slightly uncomfortable. 

You may now officially change your mind about who you think I am. I am funny! I am nice! I love to laugh!  Here is some proof:

See! Laughing!

Smiling!

Chasing Geese!

That seems really sad that this post was just to make you think I'm not a stone cold Bey-oncé, but I guess that's all it is. Cool. 

To The BYU Admissions Office

Unabridged and unedited since the day I submitted it. Here is the essay I wrote to convince people that I deserved to be at BYU.

Although I have learned much throughout my fourteen years of formal schooling, some of the most valuable knowledge that I carry with me I have learned through failure.  In high school I failed time after time academically and spiritually.  I tried to fight back using the wrong tools and further failed.  When I arrived at BYU-Idaho, by my standards, I failed in the classes I attended.  I failed to maintain a strong relationship with my family.  I came home for a semester and failed financially at saving enough money for the next year at school.  This pattern continued for about another year. I was surprisingly accepted to attend the BYU Jerusalem Center for Near Eastern Studies in August of 2007 and would attend in January of this year and I made a decision.  I decided I would go there and be successful. I promised I would figure out why I was supposed to be there and I would take something more from there than just a few small souvenirs.  I didn't quite know how to prepare for this semester abroad; I wasn't sure what to study and what to read so I didn't do much.  In February, I was sitting in a classroom in Jerusalem and I realized that I had not kept my promise.  I hadn't figured it out, why I was there and what I needed to do.  I had failed, again. So I changed my focus to love.  I made everything I did revolve around love.  Love for my friends, my teachers, that country, those people, the gospel, my Savior and my Heavenly Father.  Everything immediately became harder, but because my motivation was love I knew that I wouldn't fail.  And I didn't.  I learned that if I was driven by a desire to serve others through the love of Christ, I could not fail.  That is why I'm applying to transfer again.  I am motivated, not by money or praise but by love.  I love the school, I love the career I'm pursuing and I am ready for the challenge. I know that if I'm given the opportunity to attend this school I will not fail.

I had forgotten how powerfully I felt at the time that I wanted to be at BYU. That is probably in my Top 5 of things I have fought relentlessly for in my life, until I got them.

Why No One Tells the Truth About Anything

A conversation a while ago sparked another viscernifestation of mine. This one is brilliant. The discussion started talking about an incident that occurs often in my life and I'm sure in the lives of many other people: you have a discussion with someone, they ask you a question either simple or complicated, and you lie. You deemphasize, downplay, and flat out lie when you answer.
I started wondering why people do that. I thought about myself and the questions I answer with lies. Questions like:

How are you liking teaching?

How do you like where you're living?

How are you?

And lies like this: 

Oh, it's great. 

It's a good place. 

Good, how are you?

Okay, sometimes those are the truth, but a lot of the time they are not. As I was talking through this with some people close to me, I wanted to figure out why we tell those lies. Why did I start answering questions like that? Where was that habit rooted? 

I realized that most recently it came from the reactions I would get from people as I was giving honest answers to those questions. 

I told the truth and then started noticing a pattern in the reactions I was getting from people. They were surprised (read: uncomfortably shocked) that I didn't LOVE teaching and that I wasn't raving about how prepared I felt and how easy it came to me. Every time I said something other than "GREAT!" about where I lived or how I was, those I was talking to become visibly uncomfortable. Often pining to change the subject. 

I suppose subconsciously I decided that people didn't want to hear how teaching was really going. Or what I actually felt like that day. I don't know what they wanted but they didn't want to be uncomfortable so I started changing my answers to the short ones seen above. 

And it worked! No one was ever uncomfortable again! Kidding. But people stopped giving me that look that says, "pleasestoptalkingpleasestoptalkingpleasestoptalking."

You know the look. 

Instead they nodded politely, as if pleased with how content we both were lying to each other. So here is some not lying for you.

Sometimes I really don't like my job and I really don't want to go to work. 

Sometimes I get frustrated with my house and that it doesn't have what I think I need. 

And sometimes I'm sad/mad/irate/frustrated/annoyed. 

But so is everyone else, and so are you, and you should just stop making that uncomfortable face and say something nice to people who tell you the truth. 

A Book I Read

Don't take this as any sort of announcement. I had been told that this book had a lot of good adult life lessons regardless of whether or not you had a baby. So no, I am not having a baby.

And those recommendations were right. This book was full of insightful research and ideas about how to live a happy life, and a life that benefits not only others' personal growth, but your own growth as well.

Pamela (I like using first names rather than last, when referring to authors after I've read their books) reflects on breaking tradition and what is gained and lost when one chooses to do so. I think the loss part is okay. Some might think they can go through life and never lose anything and only make gains, but in my long 27.67 years of wisdom it's that in every gain there are some losses. But those losses can have positive influence and you and those around you.

By flooding her opinions with research, Pamela is so convincing in her notions about making changes. You should always be searching for the best things for you and those around you. Seeking them out will make you a better person and make life more enjoyable.

Amen, sister.

Here is a link to buy the book on Amazon.